The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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