Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize