Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
