Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
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as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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