I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
