By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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