and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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