this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
