Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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