There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
