She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
