Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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