Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
