How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
