His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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