She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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