You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
