While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
