I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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