Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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