oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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