I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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