You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
