I accidentally burped into my bong.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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