Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize