Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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