apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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