U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
