If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
