dude i'm inner monologue high
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
