My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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