woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
