just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
