I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
