I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My vagina just clenched in fear
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