We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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