One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
