So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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