the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
