It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
