i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize