just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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