Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
