Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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