Cold hands, warm shart.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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