Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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