WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
