I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
