I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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