it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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