you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
sex in a hospital.. check
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
