It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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