Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
