Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
tell me about the eggs
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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