Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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