I could make wine with my vomit
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
