I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
