A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
