Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
